The Wait Is Over!

Once again, I have let this blog lapse. Life has been so busy, but more importantly so little was happening with the adoption, that there just wasn't much to share expect for heartache, frustration, and disappointment.  I will however create a post with a timeline of event that have occurred over the past 32 months.

But, today brings GREAT news!! We have finally received our USCIS approval for our little guy to come home! Hubby and I will be flying out to Jamaica this coming Saturday!! We should receive KG's visa next Friday and return home next Saturday, Aug. 31 with our son. I can't believe that we are finally at the end of the first leg of this journey. It is so surreal.

Quite honestly, after waiting and waiting and waiting, my first thought when we got the news was "Oh, No. WAIT! Am I really ready for this???" I'm excited, scared, nervous, ecstatic, anxious. overjoyed - just one big ball of emotion. Everything changes from here forward. The life we've known is no more, on so many levels.

We marching head on into uncharted territory. We have no road map, no plan, no guideline, no template, but what we do have is so much more. We have the One who has been with us all along, the One who knows the end from the beginning, the One who knew we would be right here, right now. That is my comfort. That is what I am holding on to. It is that knowledge that is going to allow me to get on that plan in less than 48 hours and bring a 12 year old from another country into my home and be his first and forever mommy.

Guest Blog for 3six5

I got a chance to guest blog for 3six5 (dot) com again this year.  Here's a link to my post. Please leave a comment on the site to increase my chances of being able to blog for them again!

ENJOY!

http://the3six5.posterous.com/june-16-2012-ilesha-graham

Journey in Patience

Well today is June 1st. It makes 17 months that we have been on our adoption journey. I never imagined that the summer of 2012 would come without our son at home with us. I know in Jamaica they would say that "ev'ry ting is irie" but it's really not!! I miss my little guy so much. Someone who visited JA in April sent me some pictures of Keddar from their trip. It's amazing how much he has grown since I was there in December. It's starting to lose his "baby face."

A couple of weeks ago, I spoke with our assigned adoption worker in JA. She had FINALLY done her "adoption readiness" interview with Keddar. She had anticipated completing it in early April, but I guess late May is that "same ting". Anyway she commented about how impressed she was with Keddar. She said he is an amazing young man (of course he is!!). He told her that she needed to hurry up and finish the process so that he could be home in time to start school in the fall. A boy after my own heart - prioritizing education!  The good news is that she was so smitten by Keddar that she said that she is going to work diligently to finish us up by July!! WHOOOO HOOOO!!

So we've applied for the girls' passports and are standing in faith that July is the magical month. We are asking for all of our friends and family to also stand in agreement with us for a homecoming next month. It's so difficult to be so close and have no means of speeding up (i.e. controlling) the process. For those who know me, you know that this unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory for me. But I guess that's why I've called this a journey. It's not only a journey towards adoption, but also a journey in faith and trust and patience!!

Tonight is hubby's album release party where we will raise funds for the adoption. I'm looking forward to sharing our story with the folks that come. Maybe beyond being inspired to give, someone will be inspired to adopt!!

He said "YES!" (12/7/11)

A few days ago, I found some writing that I had done when I went to Jamaica in December to turn in our completed Home Study and to share with Keddar that we were adopting him. Here's part 3

December 7, 2011 -

I'm weepy all through breakfast - can't stop that rebellious left eye from leaking. It's blowing my cover!! How am I going to make it to tonight???

Ha! I didn't need to worry about that. The kindergarten class was exceptionally challenging today, leaving me not a moment to think about anything else. It was the toughest 3 hours I've had in a long time. But I must admin, also the most fulfilling. Being able to use my gifts in serve to these children is a tremendous blessing to me.

After lunch, Portia (one of my co-travelers) and I head down to the construction site to help out the guys. Or at least that's the story we're telling each other! I think she's going to see a special employee and I'm really  going to wait until Keddar get out of school. :0)

No sooner that I see Keddar's teacher leaving for the day, do I hear a pair of size 2 feet running across the walkway. He rounds the corner and stands transfixed - just staring at me with that captivating smile of his. I hold him hostage a few more moments while I take in his too big shoes, ashy legs & knees, "hammy down" shorts and mix-match sleeveless shirt revealing undersized limbs, and those pleading eyes - before I tell him to come over and give me a great big hug!!

Tonight after service, we had planned to Skype Fil so Keddar could say "hello". Little did he know the real purpose of the call was for Fil and I to ask him if he would allow us to adopt him. We'll share the video when the time is right, but I'll just say "He say YES!!"  It was one of the most powerful moments in my life. I can't begin to explain what those few moments were like. It's a feeling like no other. In the midst of our celebration, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was created to be this little boy's momma. Everything in my life has been preparing me to to have the unbelievable privilege of caring for and raising this precious child of God.

Sunday on the mountain (12/4/11)

A few days ago, I found some writing that I had done when I went to Jamaica in December to turn in our completed Home Study and to share with Keddar that we were adopting him. Here's part 2

December 4, 2011 -

I love Sunday mornings on the mountain. I think the higher the elevation makes me feel closer to God - or maybe it's just being surrounded by so much natural beauty - whatever it is, it's definitely God's country up here!  As the children file into the Multi-Purpose room, I can barely contain my excitement. Is it wrong to be more excited about seeing Keddar than service? If so, all I can do is ask for forgiveness because that 's the honest truth.  

The stage has somehow been set prior to service & everyone knows their part. I'm tickled to see all the older boys saving a spot next to me because that's "Keddar's seat." The message travels quickly to the girls and younger boys, as well. No one argues, they just move accordingly. Finally Keddar is in his rightful place next to me & the children are ready for service. Midway through, I notice an added weight on my arm & look down to see that Keddar has traded in his bible to share mine. How sweet is that?? 

Welcome to Jamaica - again! (12/3/11)

A few days ago, I found some writing that I had done when I went to Jamaica in December to turn in our completed Home Study and to share with Keddar that we were adopting him. Here's part 1

December 3, 2011 -

As the captain announces our decent into Jamaica, I feel by body begin to tense. I'm unclear as to what to attribute this to. I should be ecstatic, happy, joyful, but instead I'm anxious about the moments ahead. I feel like so much is riding on this trip . . . I try to calm myself by remembering all the God has done to bring me to this moment. There is comfort in that  - knowing that God is with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me & He has ordained this time.

It's funny that the interior of the Jamaican airport has begun to feel familiar. I guess 3 trips in one year will do that! I gather my luggage & step out into the Jamaican humidity. Even this is now familiar and no longer feels oppressive. The enveloping muggy air enwraps me like a hug from a welcoming friend. I take a deep breath, and look up into the mountains - both anxious and excited to get up the hill so that I can see my son.

With that thought, I realize that I have no idea who's picking us up from the airport. I begin to scan the crowd looking for a pale face (no offense Steve Jr!) in the middle of all the beautiful brown tones. . . . And then I see a familiar little face. My heart skips a beat and then does a little dance in my chest! It's the best "Welcome to Jamaica" greeting ever! Keddar is at the airport! I think in that moment that my smile is as big as his. We just stand there for a full minute grinning at each other before I give him a great big momma bear hug.

Even though we know that God is an amazingly great God, there are times when there is no denying not only His love for us, but His concern about every little detail of our life. Seeing Keddar at the airport was like having God say to me "daughter, I know your spoken & your unspoken desires and I delight in granting them. You have nothing to be concerned about. I have ordained this and it shall be. Just sit back and enjoy the journey."

Speaking of . . . on the way up the mountain, Keddar lays his head on my shoulder and goes to sleep like it's the most natural thing in the world.  And I believe, it is.

Let's Jam for Jamaica

Today was another God appointed day!! What started as a plan B, ended up being all a part of God's PERFECT plan!!!

We had been planning for the past several weeks to go to Lake Tahoe this weekend. The "plan" was to leave early - as soon as I got out of an orientation that was supposed to end at 11 am. Well of course a meeting full of women never ends of time! By the time I got of the meeting, we got back home and starting getting ready to go, it was already after 1 pm. The hotel that we wanted to stay in was booked. ARRGGHH!! It just didn't seem like our plans were falling into place. I really had to say a quick "Jesus help me to not get an attitude" prayer because I REALLY wanted to go to Tahoe!!

So we decided to put Tahoe on hold and take the girls to see a friend's art show in Auburn.  On the drive up there Fil and I start talking about putting together a benefit concert to raise money for the next stages of the adoption.  We toss a few ideas back and forth about location, venue, artists and then drifted off into another conversation.

We get to Auburn and share with our friend, Pierre, that we're thinking about doing a benefit show for our little guy. About 5 - 10 minutes later one of his friends walks in- another Jamaican brother - who is looking to start a t-shirt company. Pierre starts telling him about our adoption and he asks if WE WILL LET HIM make up some t-shirts for the concert to sell. Will we LET HIM??? Of course, we will. Then they start talking about all of their connections and their desire to really get behind a community event, especially one that would benefit a child in their home land and before we know it . . . they've narrowed down a location, made plans to get the event catered, started talking about artists & bands, promo plans - the works!!

What Fil and I had initially thought would be a small event where we could invite some friends, they had expanded into a full Jamaican festival with the potential of having 100's of attendees!! Oh man, when will I learn to stop putting God in a box?  We had been only thinking about what we could do within our own power, but God had a much bigger and better plan!! I am so excited. I can't wait to see what God is going to do! I know that something awesome, more than just raising money, is going to come from all of this!

So, look out . . . "Jam for Jamaica" will be coming this Spring!!

Rejoice in the Lord Always

The past few months of waiting have been so difficult! We have been calling and calling & emailing and doing more emailing to the Jamaica CDA since January with no results. Our phone calls have not been taken, our emails have not been returned - there has been no communication at all. It's so hard to be thousands of miles away just wondering if anything is happening on our behalf. In the meantime, we have taken our federal fingerprints, received our clearance, and had our paperwork sent to the Embassy in Jamaica and still SILENCE from the CDA.

I have cried to God, tantrumed, ranted & raved, been mad, felt hopeless, and downright orphaned by God myself because the CDA hasn't done anything.  It's been 3 months, THREE MONTHS, since I took our paperwork to Jamaica. They told us we would get our case number within 30 days and it's THREE MONTHS later.

Two weeks ago, we SKYPE'd Keddar for his birthday. After all the exuberant birthday wishes and with the most serious and sincere look on his face, Keddar asked us when we were coming to get him. How it broke my heart to have to tell him that we didn't know!! It's like being pregnant and preparing for the birth of your child, with no specific due date. What keeps most of us moms-to-be going through those difficult & uncomfortable months of pregnancy is that fact that we know that by a certain date, we WILL have our new bundle of joy. But with no end in sight, the waiting process just becomes agonizing!!

Last Sunday, I woke up in a funk (again), missing my son (again), angry that no word had come from Jamaica (again) and questioning God (again).  I stood in the choir loft, going through the motions, but not really "feeling it."  I just couldn't get past wondering "what about me God?" 

Midway through our choir set, Pastor stopped us and called forward those who needed prayer. Before he prayed, he talked about a very personal and sensitive situation that his own family is in the midst of battling. He then shared about another church member (who's son happens to work with me) who's wife is on her deathbed. As I watched nearly one hundred people come to the alter for prayer, I felt so convicted. There were a number of people that I had "meant to be" praying for, but because I had gotten so caught up in my own situation, I never prayed for them. In that moment, I clearly felt God tell me to stop praying for (& whining about) myself and to start interceding for other people. Tears blurred my eyes as my heart softened towards those whose needs & hurts are so much greater than mine. I promised God that I would focus more on lifting up others and less on complaining about my own situation. 

So on Monday, I set up a "prayer wall" in my bedroom. I listed out those who I had promised to pray for but never did. I asked the girls to help me list people/friends that they knew needed prayer. Family members who I have had strained relationships with also went on the wall.  Each day this week, I have gotten up and prayed over the wall. Each night before I have gone to bed, I have again lifted up those names. And in terms of the adoption, I have simply thanked God for what He is working out.

Today, Friday, we finally got the email from CDA that we have been waiting for!! We were given our case number and worker and told that our case is moving to the next stage. WOW!! It is such great news. It's also so amazing to see how God works. When I submitted myself to His will and stopped focusing on myself (& trying to "control" God and the situation), God took care of it - all by himself, without any help from me! LOL!

This is a huge lesson for me. God promised us over a year ago that this adoption was going to happen. But I allowed myself to be moved by the circumstances and not God's word. As long as I was in that mode of doubting God & feeling sorry for myself, nothing happened. When I laid MY burden at God's feet and picked up HIS yoke (His will for me), the heavens opened and God intervened.

Praise God!! His Word is true and I'm so thankful that His mercies are new every morning! He is so patient and loving towards me.  He extends such grace towards me.

Catching Up . . .

I can't believe that it's been 2 months since I last updated our blog . . . so much has happened!! I'm not even sure where to start, but from the beginning makes the most sense, I guess!

Let's see - we finished up our home study interviews & house visit and received the final "approved to adopt" home study in late November. Right in time for me to travel back to Jamaica with our church team during the first week of December.

Just a couple of weeks prior to traveling to Jamaica, I called the Jamaica CDA worker that we had been working with to let her know that I was coming to bring my home study report and final documents. I was promptly informed that she had retired and no one knew where our file was!! Oh boy, that was not a fun (or "in faith") moment for me. In fact to be completely transparent, it led to a major panic attack!

Just days before leaving for Jamaica, I was able to get in touch with a CDA worker who found our file. She stated that we were missing several documents from our file and that I would need to bring them with me. These were documents that we had already submitted and for which I only had copies and couldn't get originals before I needed to travel.  I asked, begged her to please double check and get back to me. Right in line with how things were going with the CDA, I didn't hear back from her. And when I called two days before I left for Jamaica, I was told that she was out for the rest of the week and no one else could access my file. ARRGGHH!!

Fil wasn't able to go to Jamaica, so I went with 3 other people as part of our church's missions team.  We were a small, but mighty group. After a long flight to the island, I was met at the airport by the biggest smile on all the island! Our son-to-be had ridden down the mountain to meet me at the airport. What a wonderful "welcome back"!! It was so hard to "play it cool" and not just wrap him up in a big momma bear hug.  Oh, I couldn't wait to tell him the good news!!

Fast forward to my trip to CDA - all the paperwork that I was told was missing, was actually there! Our home study was the only document left to submit and that was turned in during my visit. WHOO!! HOOO!! We are all done with everything that is within our control to do on the Jamaica side of the adoption

This is what was waiting for me atop the mountain when we returned from CDA. I think it was God's way of reminding me that He is faithful to fulfill His promises:

Mid-week, my son-to-be and I SKYPE'd Fil to chat with him. But really it was all a plan for Fil and I to tell, ask him if he would allow us to be his parents. What a precious moment that was. I thought my heart was going to leap out of my heart when he said yes!! Fil then asked him what he wanted us to call him. After a long, excrutiating 6 minutes (well maybe it was only like 36 seconds), he told us he wanted us to call him son!! In that instant it was like all the space and time that had separated us since his birth melted away and he was mine, ALL MINE! Despite what the courts, public records, or any legal document might say. He was my son, fully in my heart.

The sunset the night we became a family of 5 in my heart:

The morning after we asked Keddar to join our family. He told all the boys in his home that he was being adopted and that I was his new mommy! He then went to school and told his teacher that he had a new name: Kedar Graham. Check out the name on his spelling test!

The hardest thing was leaving my son on that last day. It felt so guilty - like I was abandoning him. It was one of the most difficult "good byes" of my life. He kept asking me when I would be back and when he could come home. It was so hard to only be able to say "I don't know. As soon as I can."  The CDA says it could be anywhere from 3 - 6 months!! Actually they said it would be a "couple of months", but when I asked if that meant February, I was told "NO! Not the American kind of 'couple'. It could be 3 - 6 months."

When I got back from Jamaica, we sent off our paperwork to US Immigration (Homeland Security) so that we can get our federal fingerprint clearance.

So, now we must wait and pray. We have done all that we can do to get him home to us. The rest is up to God and His perfect will and timing.  In the meantime we are preparing our hearts and our home.  We are also raising the last monies needed so we can finalize the adoption here in the states.

Thank you for your continued prayers and  . . . if you haven't already donated to our Piece of the Puzzle fundraiser, please prayerfully consider doing so!

God bless

Orphan Sunday

Today is Orphan Sunday. It's a day to share, pray and advocate on behalf of orphans around the world. This morning at church I had the awesome privilege of sharing in our Children's Ministry about my trip to City of Refuge Orphanage and how God used that trip to open my eyes and heart to adoption.

This was the first time that I've shared our adoption story with a group of children (kinder through 5th grade). I was very curious about how they would respond and if they would fully grasp the life-changing power of adoption. As I was telling the children about my time in Jamaica, I was so impressed with how engaged they were with the story and the pictures which highlighted our team's work on the property and in the school. I could tell that they were really processing the difference between how we live here compared to the conditions in Jamaica. I could see some of their little hearts grieving for children who did not have mommies and daddies to love and care for them. And when I shared with them how God spoke to me about becoming a mommy to one of the children, their faces lit up like little rays of sunshine! Even at their young age, they understood that adoption is something special.

As I talked to the group of children sitting there, it suddenly struck me that my little boy would be sitting there in the midst of them in just a few short months! As I said this aloud to the group, my heart began to swell. Even though our family been talking about his arrival for months and all the new experiences that he will have, there was something about picturing him at our church, sitting in KidsZone that made my knees weak.  It was suddenly so very REAL!!

God is so amazing and living for Him just keeps getting better and better!!  In this month of thanksgiving and on this Orphan Sunday, I am so thankful that I am no longer an "orphan" for I have received the Spirit of adoption whereby I cry "Abba, Father" (Rom. 8:15), because God predestined me to be His own adopted child by Jesus Christ (Ephes 1:5).  And as believers, who have been adopted into the family of God and who are no longer spiritually "orphaned", we have a responsibility to rescue and care for those children who have been physically orphaned in this world. And while God may not have called all of us to "adopt", He has called all of us to care for those who are orphaned, be it through giving, praying, supporting &/or advocating on their behalf. During this month where we bring awareness to Adoption and Orphan issues, please consider how you may be a part of the change.

Orphan Sunday 2011 from Christian Alliance for Orphans on Vimeo.

God's plans are always BIGGER - How GREAT He is

It was November of last year when I headed to Jamaica for my first mission trip. I had no idea that November was National Adoption Month, nor did I have any idea that this November we would be close to finalizing our adoption of a little boy that I met on that trip. But God knew! I am continually amazed at how God works and how He orchestrates everything to His glory and for His purpose.

When I went to Jamaica last year, I planned to spend the week helping in the school and working on a building project. I felt like that was enough fulfill God's call for us to "care for orphans." I wasn't planning on any longterm commitments or really doing anything that was too far out of my comfort zone, if I'm completely honest about the whole thing. My husband's family is Jamaican and I'm very comfortable with the people, language and culture, so even going to this particular foreign country, wasn't going to be that foreign to me. I work in education, so spending time in the orphanage school wasn't going to be particularly difficult work. Nonetheless, I thought that what I was doing was a BIG deal, that I was really stepping out for God. Oh silly me!! Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not criticizing or minimizing the importance of mission trips or the impact that they have on the lives of those involved. I'm not saying that it's not a big deal to take a mission trip and serve those who are less fortunate. I'm just saying that the trip was just a small step on the bigger journey that God had for me.

Isn't it amazing how small (& often selfish) our thinking can be? We say that we are God's servants, and we know that His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts, yet we rely on our own "thinking" to guide us. God has GREAT plans for us, but we can miss living the amazing life that He desires for us because we have limited ourselves to what we believe we are capable of doing and what we are comfortable doing. But God has not called us to be "comfortable" and He has already said that apart from Him, we are incapable. God has called us to faithfully trust in Him so that we may be world changers and do even greater things than our Lord Jesus Christ did!! He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that we can ask, think or imagine!! What a life He has in store for us!

I did not know last November where the following 12 months would take me. I certainly had not expected the year that I have had. But I'm glad that I have been willing to let God lead, even when it has been uncomfortable. Because the place where I am now, is so much better than where I was a year ago. And while I did not know that last November's mission trip was really the beginning of an adoption journey, I'm so glad that it is the BIGGER plan that God had for me.

12 on 12th

Today is a big day in the Graham household. . . little Jellybean turns 12 today. She's been announcing for  eons (or at least since her older sister's birthday on May 12th) that she's going to be "12 on the 12th."  Back in May, October seemed so far away and yet in the blink of an eye, here we find ourselves. Every year on Jelly's birthday, my husband and I will inevitably spend time remembering the day of her birth and what that whole experience was like for us. It's never planned and it's never been deemed a formal "tradition", but as we wind down each evening on October 12th, we find ourselves remembering the day that Jelly joined our family.

And as I sit here waiting for my hubby to get home so we can go out for our "traditional" birthday dinner, I can't help but wonder what the day will be like when our son joins our family. I wonder if that special day will be an annual day of celebration for us as well. I wonder if hubby and I will spend that evening each year talking about the day that our son came home. I wonder what we will talk about on the evening of each of his birthdays.

On this 12th day of October, we are quite possible 12 short weeks out from bringing our son home. Last January when we started this process, we thought that a December or January home coming date was soooo far away, and yet it's almost here!!

On Saturday we have our final home visit for our Home Study (YEAH!!). We could quite possibly be sending off for our US Immigration clearance by the beginning of November. With that timeline, we could feasibly have our Federal clearance and our Jamaican adoption license sometime in December. WOW!!! That's incredible!!

So, our next big step is planning a time to go to Jamaica to share the good news with our little guy!! It's the most incredible and scary thing to contemplate right now.

Please be in prayer for us as we close in on the last few steps of this "home coming" journey. We are believing for a quick turn around for our home study report, a quick turn around for our Immigration clearance, and a quick and positive approval with the Jamaican court system. We are also believing for the remainder of the funds to come in to cover these last few expenses.  We have sold just over 1/2 of the pieces to our puzzle. We need to sell the remaining pieces in order to pay everything off. We are asking all of our friends and family to purchase at least 1 puzzle piece for $10 and to prayerfully consider sharing our adoption story with at least 2 other people.

Well, hubby's home, so off to dinner we go to celebrate our little "12 on the 12th" bday girl!!

Project Keddar Day

I first wrote this piece on March 25th, as a guest writer for Project 3six5. I can't believe it has over 8100 views!!

I wake up 20 minutes before my alarm to the sound of my husband snoring. Usually it wouldn’t be a welcoming noise, but since he’s just gotten back home after a weeklong business trip, the deep & familiar nasal rumblings brings a smile to my face. It’s nice to have him home. 

Trying not to disturb him, I throw on my robe and softly pad down the carpeted hallway knocking on bedroom doors to ensure that the girls get up in time for school. Before my body completely loses its “nighttime warmth”, I hurriedly jump back into bed, thankful for the day off from work. I lay there trying not to be fully awake (since my alarm has yet to sound) listening to the house come alive, one daughter showering in the bathroom, the other opening and closing drawers in her quest for the perfect Friday outfit, and the dog stretching in her crate hoping to be let out soon. I almost can’t imagine life getting any better than it is now. But then I remember, life IS getting even better than this! And now I’m fully awake!

Today is Project Keddar day! Today is the day to wrap up the last few “to do” items for our adoption dossier. As though God was listening to my thoughts, my ipod alarm chimes in with “I Am Not Forgotten” by Izreal & New Breed.  Tears begin to roll down my cheeks as I’m taken back to last November when I first heard that song and first met Keddar at the orphanage in Jamaica.  I went on the mission trip with the intention of using my teaching background to assist in the orphanage’s school for a week. I had no plans to fall in love with a little 10-year-old boy that had an eerie resemblance to my Jamaican husband, right down to the chocolate complexion and dimpled cheeks.  There’s a saying that goes, “People plan and God laughs.” I think God is having a good laugh right now.

Warmed by the thought of my growing family, I lean over and wake my sleeping hubby. It’s time to get up and start Project Keddar day!

Here's the original link: 

Project Keddar Day - 3six5 post

The Real Cost of Adopting

For the last couple of weeks, and especially over this weekend, I have let myself be really bothered by the mean-spiritedness of another person regarding our adoption & our need to fundraise. I think the thing that has bothered me the most is the fact that this person has completely mis-represented my intentions in this particular situation. In all areas of my life, I truly work to operate with integrity and with pure intentions. And while I make plenty of mistakes in life & don't always do things properly, I know that those closest to me do know the condition of my heart. And even as I write this, I realize how silly it is for me to let the actions of someone who doesn't know me, or my heart, to affect me so deeply. There's the old saying "those who matter, don't mind; and those who mind, don't matter."  However, as much as I know that to be true, I can only assume that my heart is troubled because the adoption is a heart issue for me and my family.

Since we began our adoption process 10 months ago, I have sought out adoption blogs, website and groups in order to better educate and prepare myself for this new journey that we are on. I have heard many family's talk about the "cost" of adoption that have nothing to do with money. Just a few days ago, someone sent me the link to a post on just the same topic. While there are definite financial costs to the process, there are other costs that only adopting families really understand. One of those being the cost of enduring hurtful opinions and comments from people - strangers and loved ones alike.

Just a few hours ago, my youngest daughter, Jelly Bean, and I were working on adding another 62 pieces to our adoption puzzle that came in this week (WHOO HOO!). As we sat there working together, I was reminded of just how many benefits there are to being on this journey - precious and amazing experiences that far outweigh whatever challenges may occur. Seeing my daughter's face light up as she talks about her excitement at having her brother home soon. Listening to both of my daughters talking about all the things they are looking forward to when "their brother" comes home. Planning for our first Christmas together as a family of five. Developing connections and relationships with other people who have a passion for helping orphans. Watching God move in ways that we've never seen before. Becoming more connected with my husband and we go through the home study process. Hearing my daughters' level of appreciation for the gifts of support from other families and seeing it translate into a desire to "pay it forward."

When I think on all of this, I know that the costs are SO WORTH IT!! Whatever hurt my heart must endure through this process, I know that the reward of being able to replace that hurt with the love of another child in our home and our hearts is a small price to pay.

Thankful

What a surprise it was to check our adoption email while sitting in the orthopedic surgeon's office waiting for hubby to be seen & find a donation posted by his ortho doc!  We had briefly mentioned the adoption to him at the last visit and he blessed us with a donation. While in the appointment, I think he talked asked us more about the adoption than my hubby's knee! I can share story after story like this where people that we barely know have given to our cause. And then there are the high school friends that we haven't talked to in almost 20 years, and the complete strangers who've we've never met but heard our story from a mutual acquaintance, and the distant work associates and the old navy buddies. The list goes on and on. My heart is just so full, so thankful for the generosity of others.

Here's what our puzzle looks like so far:

Our first 87 pieces sold!

Each piece is "tagged" with the name of the person who bought it

We have raised enough to pay the next installment of our Home Study, exactly at the time that it's due.  With the next $1000 will be able to pay the balance due. I am trusting God that those monies will arrive right when we need them. This is the biggest faith walk that I've ever experienced and I'm learning and growing so much through this process.

"Depend on God and keep at it because in the Lord God you have a sure thing." Isaiah 26:4 MSG

The Hole in Our Gospel

A few weeks ago hubby and I were talking to another couple about our adoption and our fundraiser. The couple became very excited about our journey and began sharing our story in an effort to encourage others to become a "piece of the puzzle." Last week one of them was sharing our story with someone, & this person became extremely offended. First they felt like my & hubby's salaries should be sufficient to pay for an adoption (REALLY??) and if they weren't, we certainly shouldn't be asking other people for money to pay for this. After several other objections, he said he was also offended that our adoption flyer included a scripture. When I first heard about his response, I was really hurt because I felt like his comments were a personal attack. Then I became incredulous. I couldn't understand how someone could reduce the opportunity to be a part of giving an orphaned child a home, to being an issue about my income and a one sentence scripture in 8 pt font on a 2X3 inch picture.

But then I was reminded of a book that I've been reading, "The Hole in Our Gospel." The basic premise is that many of us Christians have reduced the Wholeness of the Gospel to being simply about salvation, deliverance from sin, & a better life in the next life. While these things are certainly important and key to our faith - the gospel, the Good News, is about more than just this. It's about creating a better life NOW.  The whole gospel includes lifting up the poor, orphaned and marginalized, challenging injustice, rejecting worldly values, and loving our neighbors as ourselves.  Any attempt to live a life based upon the "gospel" without those things, is a gospel with holes in it. Having a head knowledge of what the "gospel" means is not enough, it must be accompanied by the heart, hands & feet. It must involve action on our part for others.

I realize that the man's opinion about our fundraising isn't about me, just like this adoption isn't about me. This adoption is about God's love in action. My family is simply a willing vessel being used by God to show His love to a child in need. This is our calling to live out the whole gospel in this life. Instead of being mad at the gentleman who's unable or unwilling to see the bigger picture, I am choosing to care enough about him to pray for his heart to be touched - not for my benefit or the benefit of our adoption, but for his benefit. And just like in my opinion, he's missing the bigger picture. I know that there have been many times that in God's opinion, I have been guilty of the same thing. So I continue to also pray for myself - that I will never again be blind to what God wants me to see nor be numb to what He wants me to feel nor be deaf to what He wants me to hear. Break my heart Lord for the things that break your heart. I want to have a heart after God's own heart and for Him to make me an answer.

A hole in my heart

A couple of days ago we were informed that the results of an EGK for our son showed that he has a hole in his heart and he has also been diagnosed with asthma.  He has a follow up appointment in 2 weeks to determine the next course of action - possibly surgery.

Ever since I got the news I feel as though I have a hole in my heart. My heart just grieves for him. I feel as though the hole in my heart is only going to be whole when I'm able to hold him in my arms. It's strange that this child that I have only met twice has managed to carve out such a big place in my heart and in my thoughts. If he has to have surgery, I want to be the "mommy" that is waiting for him when he wakes up from surgery. I want to be the "mommy" that cares for him and nurses him back to recovery. I almost feel jealous of his "family" in Jamaica that gets to be with him every day - watching him grow up and experience life.

Our 2nd home study visit was today - mine and Fil's interviews. I'm so thankful that we have taken one more step on this journey. I'm praying that the finances will be provided and the process expedited so that our son is home for the holidays.

Out of the mouth of babes

I asked my girls to share their thoughts about the adoption so that we could add them to the blog. They kept asking me what I wanted them to write about. I told them they could share whatever they wanted. Both of my girls are "get the right answer" type of gals and had a hard time at first just letting their thoughts flow without a prompt or specific direction (is this what public school's focus on testing has done to kids?? hmm . . .  but that's another blog!) Here's what they decided to share . . . turns out they had some profound things to say:

Lady Bug (our 18 yr old):

Adoption has been something that I have been striving for since the third grade. It was something I wanted more then anything in this world. Not for someone else but for me. I wanted to be adopted by my step dad into a family that was already mine but I wanted some assurance of permanence. Then 10 years later I hear that our family is going to finally adopt but not me that’s getting adopted. It’s a little boy from the tiny island of Jamaica. I was expecting to be upset. I mean I had wanted to be adopted longer then this child had been alive. I wasn’t though- I was excited. I knew that our family would be perfect for him and that we were ready to bring someone new into our home. My sister and I started making plans right away. Where he would sleep, which of us was going to be his best friend, who was going to show him around, which of us got to introduce him to our friends first, and everything else that we could think of. When we moved into a new home we planned out his side of the sink and which bedroom he would want. We make decisions like he is already a part of our lives and it is only going to get better. It’s not necessarily the adoption I always thought our family would go through but I am happy that this is the one that is happening.  

Jelly Bean (our 11 yr old):

I have always wanted a little brother. I think I have just always wanted to be older and to grow up with someone. I now have the opportunity to do that. Although my brother is already 10 we both are only halfway to adulthood so we still have a lot to learn. I’m mostly excited because I’ll have someone close to my age in my house that knows what life is like at this age.

         When my parents first said that we were adopting I didn’t believe them. But when they started the paperwork I knew they weren’t kidding. When I saw my brother’s picture after that I wanted to cry. I was just so happy that he was about to have a family that he could be with everyday. After we were certain we were adopting him I was happy to know that we would be changing his life for the best.  When my sister and I first talked to him over Skype I couldn’t stop smiling. I just couldn’t stop thinking about how one day he would be my brother. Mine. All mine. He is very sweet and VERY funny. He loves to joke around and he has a beautiful smile.

I want my brother and me to be best friends rather than just siblings.

Home Study Interviews Scheduled

Today we were able to confirm our next Home Study interview session. We are meeting with a new social worker (our original one is on maternity leave) next Wednesday at 4:30!  Even though we are meeting at our home, it's not the "official" home visit. She was kind enough to agree to meet us here since Fil just had knee surgery yesterday. I don't think he would have been able to manage a drive to Modesto with his leg in the brace. I know there are no "perfect parents" but it's still a little nerve-racking to think that we are being interviewed to determine if we can be Keddar's parents. If we don't pass, then I guess we should feel sorry for the two girls we already have! 'Cause they're stuck with us! LOL!

I Stay Amazed

I know that I shouldn't be amazed at how God brings things together, but I am!! Yesterday Fil and I were sharing with a coworker/friend and her husband about our adoption when they stopped by to look at a freezer we were giving them. In jest, I told them that in exchange for the freezer they had to contribute to our adoption fundraiser. We chatted a bit about the adoption and fundraising and they left. Early today, my friend texted me a bunch of questions about Keddar and our story. It got me curious about what she was up to because she was asking such specific questions. She told me that she was working on a fundraising effort for us. Later in the morning, she admitted that she had contacted our school district to get permission for her to do the Piece of the Puzzle fundraiser at our school site. She was working on a flyer to send to the district for approval. I couldn't believe this. When I mentioned the fundraiser to her yesterday, I never expected for her to spearhead an effort for us. I am so humbled and thankful for her and her husband's support.  Inside, I have really been a little nervous about the fundraising. I have a hard time asking people for money and I wasn't sure if we could really sell 500 pieces (I know . . . oh me of little faith). They flyer is gorgeous (in fact, Fil and I based ours off of the one she made) and so PERFECT!! I don't know what caused her to be so moved by our situation, but I am so blessed. As I said, I am just amazed at how God is at work, even when we doubt.